 I COULD DIE NOW: Linda Mary Montano, 2018

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I COULD  DIE   NOW:  Linda Mary Montano, 2018

Dedicate to all those with cystic fibrosis.

      

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WIKIPEDIA  SAYS: DEATH

Death is the cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism.^[1] Phenomena which commonly bring about death include aging, predation, malnutrition, disease, suicide, homicide, starvation, dehydration, and accidents or major trauma resulting in terminal injury.^[2] In most cases, bodies of living organisms begin to decompose shortly after death.^[3]

Death – particularly the death of humans – has commonly been considered a sad or unpleasant occasion, due to the affection for the being that has died and the termination of social and familial bonds with the deceased. Other concerns include fear of death, necrophobia, anxiety, sorrow, grief, emotional pain, depression, sympathy, compassion, solitude, or saudade. Many cultures and religions have the idea of an afterlife, and also hold the idea of reward or judgement and punishment for past sin. 

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It all started at a WOTR prayer meeting a month ago when instead of being publicly proud of myself for all of the wonderful events, new books, a standing ovation at a major performance, a singing debut, and big show at  a museum, I deferred/deflected/genuflected/ succumbed to victimhood and said, "I could die now." Die now!!!!!!  What the _______was I saying?

What did I really need to say?  I needed to gloat and gleam and shine and glitter with joy and receive endless applause from my group-friends. I needed to dance in the aisles, hug myself and everyone there. I needed to yodel and shout and whistle and sing. I needed to accept my brilliance, celebrate the kudoses, but no, the Catholic thing set in, the woman thing set in, the martyr thing set in, the pre Suffragette thing set in and I fell to my knees and didn't share my career goodies. And there were many. Not one leak of even one of the wonderful events gracing my art-life escaped from  my unsmiling-self-sealed lips. 

Ok, blame it on the church and humility gone amuck. Blame it on being raised strict first generation immigrant nose to the grindstone parents.  Blame it on my family where our gifts were underplayed and never celebrated. For good reason: the Depression was still in the air and WW11 raging.  Blame it on  my twisted unease around privilege and wanting to hide my gifts from other women?  Cant make your sisters  jealous, Linda....a mantra running/ ruining my vocal chords. Blame it on a deep seated selfish need to hide my shine, even from myself.

So I said , " I can die  now" instead of, " Guess what . I have great and good and abundant news!"  Basta. The end. After a half hour of prayers at WOTR, I kind of internally "got" , Oh what you really mean is, "Linda, something in you can die  now." So to save myself, to show them that I was real cool and not a stuck in the mud self-depreciating misogynist,  I reported and confessed and excused myself from the " I can die"  martyr-talk and said to them,  "Oh, I really meant, something in me can die now."   And boy, did it!

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WIKIPEDIA  SAYS:  SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY

   A self fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, by the very terms of the prophecy itselfdue to positive feedback between belief and behavior. Although examples of such prophecies can be found in literature as far back as ancient Greece and ancient India, it is 20th-century sociologist Robert K. Merton who is credited with coining the expression "self-fulfilling prophecy" and formalizing its structure and consequences. In his 1948 article Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Merton defines it in the following terms:

The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.

In other words, a positive or negative prophecy, strongly held belief, or delusion—declared as truth when it is actually false—may sufficiently influence people so that their reactions ultimately fulfill the once-false prophecy.

Self-fulfilling prophecy are effects in behavioral confirmation effect, in which behavior, influenced by expectations, causes those expectations to come true.^[2] It is complementary to the self-defeating prophecy. 

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It started with sniffles after attending 4 public events where stalactites and stalagmites of green liquids were observed flowing from the noses of some in attendance. Being cavalier and a gym rat who has made that place my sangha, I felt immune to mucous, I knew I was certainly beyond healthy and  the real truth is that I probably didn't wash hands/mouth/eyes or clothes properly after co-touching cookie platters/sharing holiday handshakes and smooching busses on cheeks when leaving party after party after party.

 Scratchy throat the first  day?  No problema.  A yoga class at said gym would fix that and a few miles walk on the tread mill machine situated next to the veteran  coughers and nose blowers, would not bring ME DOWN! Not me!!!!

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WIKIPEDIA  SAYS:  THE COLD

The  common cold, also known simply as a cold, is a viral infectious disease of the upper respiratory tract that primarily affects the nose. The throat, sinuses, and larynx may also be affected.Signs and symptoms may appear less than two days after exposure to the virus.These may include coughing, sore throat, runny nose, sneezing, headache, and fever.^[People usually recover in seven to ten days, but some symptoms may last up to three weeks. Occasionally those with other health problems may develop pneumonia.

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But it did. It brought me way down.  Downer than I have ever felt before.  Down to the ground. Down to the earth. Down to the easy chair  my dying dad sat in as we cared for him at home for 3 years after his stroke. Although it sits me up to my feet when I press the button,  my DOWN could hardly do that.
I DIED!  It was dark. Time stopped. I glided to the kitchen for water. Quit walking. Was unable to talk for 3 days( Tomb time.) The room had not sulfur fumes but was uncuttable grey. Not see-through-able.  Coughs rattled my shrinking chest. Legs wobbled even when sitting in the kick back chair. Jesus looked at me from across the room and I saw  NOTHING.

The fourth day, I cant call it walk but I tottered to the bank and post office, and the totters were embarrassing because I seemed obviously, to onlookers,  on heavy drugs/drunk or about to faint on the spot. Having grown up in Saugerties, I internalized/heard/felt the supposed and hallucinated comments: "Isn't that the Montano girl. Wow she really got old. Is she drinking? She really cant  walk now. Heard it was drugs or Parkinsons. She used to look somewhat pretty!  Terrible. I have to ask Jane about her. She would know." 

Back to the room that didn't move. Back to the room filled with a grey smoke, no light, no thought, no feeling. That describes those three days of dying: It was ecstatic and glorious BECAUSE I registered nothing/ I ate nothing/I missed nothing/I planned nothing/  I moved nothing/ I felt the BLISS OF NOTHING!!! I COULD DIE NOW was coming true....A self-fulfilled prophecy. I said it/I meant it/I got it.  I liked it!!!!!!

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WIKIPEDIA SAYS: REBIRTH

Born again, or to experience the new birth, is a phrase, particularly in evangelicalism, that refers to "spiritual rebirth", or a regeneration of the human spirit from the Holy Spirit, contrasted with physical birth.

In contemporary Christian usage, the term is distinct from sometimes similar terms used in mainstream Christianity to refer to being or becoming Christian, which is linked to baptism. Individuals who profess to be "born again" often state that they have a personal relationship with Jesus. 

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Not to waste the "lesson of nothing" on nothing, I sat up and paid attention when this locuted message came: "Lots of people suffer and die."  OK, got that one.  And then another almost visible whisper said: , "Love."   OK, got that one.  And within 2 days, when the dark green and blackish mucous-waters from eyes, nose, throat and lungs abated A BIT, I got to use my new lessons when I was email-informed that a major betrayal would not only ruin/upset/anger/adjust/make me work 5 times harder/take the wind out of my next  four months, and that I would have to suck it up, I remembered what I just learned:  that  she, the betrayer might be "suffering ."  Hmmmmmmmmmm. Ok don't waste anger on her.  And remember when I sat in the  NOTHING ROOM OF NO SOUND/NO MOVEMENT/NO THOUGHT, JUST DEATH, I heard the word:   "love? "  Well I now had a chance to eat eucharistic crow, surrender, die again. Love her, love her, love that betrayer. F_________!

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WIKIPEDIA SAYS: BETRAYAL

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Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. Often betrayal is the act of supporting a rival group, or it is a complete break from previously decided upon or presumed norms by one party from the others. Someone who betrays others is commonly called a traitor or betrayer. Betrayal is also a commonly used literary element, also used in other fiction like films and TV series, and is often associated with or used as a plot twist.

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NEW MESSAGE:  I'm going to start thinking/saying," I can enjoy now!!!!"  Hear me roar.

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